IM81U35KY3's Autisable

My First Visit to a Nightclub

Sun, 06 Jun 2010 22:06:39 GMT

Supposedly, some of the characteristics of autism is that we don't get along well in big crowds, sensitive to noise and are sometimes hugely introverted. No situation will prove that better than my first ever visit to a local nightclub.

Me and a friend were just playing around with instruments one day, until he decided that he wants to go out. By go out, he meant visit a nightclub. Now, I might not be such a party animal, but I thought it was time I got out of my shell for a bit. Not to mention that I 1) love getting out of the house for a while and 2) wanted something new to happen with me. So, we got money, took the train, bought ourselves a big can of Red Bull, and prepared for an all-nighter.

In a short amount of time, the friend proved much more social and comfortable with people than I was, from running a subtle line by a woman to testing a girl on how drunk she is on the train. I was impressed and amused.

After we got off the train, got our rainy day money and went to the front door and paid $20, the bouncer said we couldn't get in with the Red Bull. The Red Bulls we had weren't those small cans. We had the big ones, so we could get through the night. While my friend threw his away, I, not being one to waste a drink, opened up the can I was saving for the night and chugged the whole can of Red Bull in front of the bouncer in under a minute in a half, to which they were stunned and predicted a buzz. That was the only bit of fun I had, before things went kind of downhill from there.

As soon as we got into the nightclub, the lights that shone were so beautiful that I took a camera video of some of them. I found that this friend had some connections and some friends at the club. Being awkward around girls, all I did the whole night was say hello to his people and went at it alone.

He suggested we go to the top floor where everyone lose their inhibitions and let go. Who was I to argue? Maybe the buzz would kick in. It didn't really. I couldn't dance, I hated the music, and I wasn't very social. A girl wanted to dance with me, but in mere discomfort, I left her to dance with...let's call this friend A, shall we? He was worried about me, but I told him to go on ahead.

The whole time, when I was in the club, I spent all my time either on the love seat shooting lights (they bouncers probably didn't know I had a camera), finding solace in two of the public bathrooms, and just lying down drowning out the music with something better. I didn't have my iPod with me, but my head was always like my own personal radio. The most I could muster was bopping my head, if the song was good.

I was wondering when my inhibitions were going to be lost. After all, I was restless after chugging that Red Bull. (So much so that I couldn't sleep until probably 2 in the afternoon the next day.) But all I could think of was "I hate this place". I saw a girl so drunk that she fell over, panties in plain view. I convinced myself that in order to ever enjoy this place, I had to get drunk, too. I preferred to be so drunk that I forgot about the whole day. No dice; I bought like two bottles of VitaminWater.

My friend A knew I was not having fun, so he grabbed his girl friends, and we took a break and got out of the club, hoping to get back in. It wasn't until we went to the store and grabbed snacks that I started to open up and get to know them more.

I told him that maybe some other time, I'll be a little more open. But face it, I don't even dance when I have dance music on my iPod. So, I am clearly not a big fan of the atmosphere. Not to mention. using Top 40 songs got so cliche for a nightclub. Even if it left me and A walking around downtown very late at night (he wanted to get back in, but the bouncers said once you left, you can't get back in. That left us walking around a t midnight because the first ever train back home didn't come until 5:30 in the morning.), to tell you the truth, I was as glad to be out of the house, as I was glad I was out of there.

The funny part was that his friend who worked at the local Walgreens told us that the club we were visiting was the worst. My response was, "it's my first visit to a nightclub. I'm sure it won't make a difference."

Why I Love Spacehog’s Resident Alien

Thu, 29 Apr 2010 01:54:36 GMT

The common feeling for those with Asperger’s Syndrome or those who don’t necessarily fit in is that not only they feel more human than human, but when they are amongst people, they feel out of place with society and life in general. Even though the album is supposedly executed for fun, it executes my experience with Asperger’s wonderfully. At times, I do feel a bit like a resident alien, and that doesn’t even have to be a bad thing.

The album begins with “In the Meantime”, a runaway glam hit, that speaks to those listening, like someone who has been enlightened of their potential as more than just a human. The thing abouit feeling like more than just a simple alien is that an upgrade leads to the status of being the alien or the astronaut in common life, which is where song like the wild “Spacehog” and the psychedelic and “homesick” comes in.

Some of the metaphors of space are not just a matter of identity, but never being too old for imagination or the need to escape to a whole other world. “Space is The Place” describes a hard-to-deal-with moment in time, where he just goes elsewhere in his mind to escape it and deal with it later.

Not to mention that when you feel like an alien or the highest of the species, you tend to feel like a dictator or like you have leader potential. “Only a Few” singles out those smart enough to navigate the small and big things in life better than the majority. One of whom might imagine putting their best foot forward and their iron fist high (“The Last Dictator”).

Rather, to me, Resident Alien is another album that is kind of like an accidental concept album that explores the ever-popular symbol of the alien for the intelligent, imaginative, and “left behind”. An album made for the dreamers, the mental, and for more than just those who want to listen to a glam rock album.

This Goes Without Saying, But...

Fri, 02 Apr 2010 18:53:48 GMT

...happy Autism Awareness Day, everyone.

Here is a video I made a year ago for the occasion in college.

Why Would I Want to Cure My Autism?

Sat, 13 Mar 2010 03:33:31 GMT

Everytime I sign on and read autisable, I come across a majority of blogs that discuss using vaccinations or anything to cure autism. Surely, some people would love the idea of curing a disability, but coming from sometimes who has Asperger’s Syndrome, why would you want to?

If you were to use a specific type of white balance to compliment the world today, it would be a cold, bland shade of Tungsten. Having Asperger’s is like having a new and clearer set of fluorescent eyes. More accurately, autism to me feels a lot like being an alien amongst a school of androids. The biggest problem those who have autism have with it is this need to be normal. But if I were to throw out some positive characteristics, some people would kill to have what we do.

One of the “symptoms” of Asperger’s is that you are very honest with people, and sometimes that might mean that you are openly emotional. Wouldn’t anybody here inhale a large Ziplock bag full of sand just to be honest about how you feel or what you think without people thinking it is either “gay” or too “emo”? Another plus in Autism is your creativity. Perhaps, it is just me, but the mind of those who have Autism possesses plenty of creativity and vision, especially in a universe where teens think in order to be creative, you need a hit of psychedelic drugs.

As for one of the major symptoms that people who are autistic are mostly antisocial, sometimes society treats them that way. I admit as a kid, I was more fascinated with trying to build a human being out of Lego blocks, and peeling layers from chips of wood. Everything was on my terms, and because I had nobody, I was often made fun of, or often the butt of a joke. Though, it didn’t reach its high point, until I went to summer camp. Once I was there, without a teacher, the boys once thought I had ADD or that I was retarded. (See what happens when parents don’t tell kids about these things?) Once I got over that hump and the hump of being a teen, I was happy that I had autism. Aside from the learning disability, the disability felt like an overall wake-up call to society itself. That instead of trying to cure us, they could learn from us instead.

Now that I am grown up, autism doesn’t feel a bit like a disability at all. It feels like I have a present that even the most regular Joe could both appreciate and use. Why would I want to do anything to get rid of that?

A Comedian with Aspergers: A Possibility?

Mon, 11 Jan 2010 01:23:47 GMT

It's funny the things I can imagine when watching a stand-up comedy special.

British comedian Ricky Gervais was mentioning in his comedy act that he was doing charity work once and decided he wants to take out an autitstic woman for the day. While listening to this, my mind suddenly formed one question: when am I going to see an autistic comedian or a comedian with Aspergers? Just so the ignorant knows, Asperger's is only a certain form of Autism, so no, comrades, it is not the same thing.

Considering the reputation people with Aspergers (like me) get from being brutally honest and lacking "social graces", and the occupation of stand-up comedy didn't seem so farfetched.

Being an enjoyer of stand-up comedy (Chris Rock, Steve Harvey, and George Lopez being three of my favorite comedians to watch), I started seeing a pattern. Comedians like to tell the truth, but sarcasm, scenarios, and downright douchebaggery all stress the thoughts of a comedian enough to make something so mundane seem interesting. Supposedly, you are likely to expect that from the mind of the most opinionated Aspies.

I only considered the idea once. Despite my inability to really perform clean comedy, I practiced an impromptu act in front of my oldest brother, and it worked. I was completely honest about life, and performed with heart and honesty, and made him laugh. The only thing he says I need to work on is timing.

Despite that moment, I am not that interested in performing comedy. Still, it sounds like an ideal career for those who like putting their honesty to full use.

Could My Mom Be The Source of my Aspergers?

Sat, 28 Nov 2009 14:18:41 GMT

Last night, I was skimming through some facts about those with Aspergers or those with autism, and being the concerned child I am today, I read some facts about those with autism that reminds me a lot of my mom. Through this, I tend to believe that my mom has some form of autism or learning and social disability herself...and in turn, I have the aspergers. Either that or I can trace exactly who I got this autism from. Let me explain.

One of the diagnoses (sic) I have read from an article is "They may have to line up their pencils before they can pay attention, or they may say the same sentence again and again to calm themselves down." I don't know anything about the pencils part, but my mom does have a habit of talking to herself and repeating thing over and over again in her mind, whether she is crying or she if heated up...as if no one hears her. And this is from a woman who often thinks I'm crazy when I talk to myself.

Another thing the article said was "Some people with autism never learn how to talk." After reading more articles about my asperger's, they have been saying for a while that those with autism have trouble finding the right words to say things, have trouble explaining what is in their mind, or have a bit of trouble with being tact. Without question, that is my mom all the way.

Each of the few articles I read has a few facts that remind me a lot of her. Even one of them says people with that have "extremely repetitive, unusual, self-injurious, and aggressive behavior". Even if my mom gets severely stressed about it, she does work like cooking a big meal this Thanksgiving (because according to plenty of people in the family, if it isn't done her way, it isn't done right). In result of going through what seems like too much trouble, she and my Dad continuously bicker about Lord knows what.

I'm reading more stuff, but I have heard that sometimes, autism could be hereditary in some way. By that definition, I can't help but be convinced that my mom is the source of my level of autism.

What do you think? Should I up and question her about this?

Weird Freakin Dreams!!! Part 2

Fri, 09 Oct 2009 00:49:35 GMT

Dream #1
Last I remember, I was eating out somebody in a hotel, before I knew it, I was on running and throwing rocks. I meant to throwit in the yard or in a basket hanging, but it went through as window. The window just happened to belong to a few gangsters, apparently. I then bumpeds into some police, who were going to arrest me and some gang member who were going to kill me, and at the end, I remember stabbing a policeman in the forehead. Thats' all I remember.

Hotel
To see a hotel in your dream, signifies a new state of mind or a shift in personal identity. You are undergoing some sort of transition and need to move away from your old habits and old way of thinking. You need to temporarily escape from your daily life. Alternatively, the dream may imply a loss in your personal identity.

Oral sex: To dream that you are giving or receiving oral sex, signifies your willingness to give or receive pleasure/joy. It is symbolic of your creative energy and reaffirms that you are headed in the right direction in life.

Running: In particular, if you are running from an attacker or any danger, then it suggests that you are not facing and confronting your fears.

Rocks: To see stones in your dream, symbolizes strength, unity, and unyielding beliefs. Consider the common phrase "etched in stone" which suggest permanence and unchanging attitudes. Some stones also carry sacred and magical meanings. Alternatively, stones may relate to issues of moral judgment and/or guilt.

Basket: To see a basket in your dream, symbolizes the material body. It also represents the things that you are holding onto.

Window: To see shattered and broken windows, represents your distorted view and outlook on life. It is also indicates a state of vulnerability.

Gangster: To dream that you are confronted or threatened by a gang, signifies circumstances or situations in your waking life that are becoming overwhelming. You feel that you are being ganged up on.

Police: To see the police in your dream, indicates a failure to perform or to honor obligations and commitments.

Knife: To dream that you are carrying a knife, signifies anger, aggression and/or separation. There may be something in your life that you need to cut out and get rid of.

Stab: To dream that you stab someone, indicates your fear of betrayal and your untrusting nature. You may be too much on the defensive.

Dream #2: I remember we were on a field trip. And suddenly, we hit a barn. Next thing I know, they were introducing someone Snow White looking character, who when she comes near, is only an old lady in a Snow White costume riding a horse.

I went to the bathroom, and got into there, before the horse can mow me down. That thig was riding pretty fast. Anyway, I went to pee, and flush till I found what looks like a moving rubber mixture of a bird and a fish. It was freaky. But not as freaky as when Iand a few other guys left what was a public restroom, and found hundreeds of those freaky things bouncing aroumnd the floor, as if it was part of a plague.

Field trip: To dream that you are going on a trip, suggests that you are in need of a change of scenery. You are feeling overworked and need to take time out for yourself for some fun and relaxation. Alternatively, the dream may mean that you are looking to explore a different aspect of yourself.

Barn: To see a barn in your dream, signifies feelings kept in your unconscious. There is a possibility that you may be holding back your instinctual action or natural urges.

Old woman: To see an elderly person in your dream, represents wisdom or spiritual power.

Horse: To see a horse in your dream, symbolizes strength, power, endurance, virility and sexual prowess. It also represents a strong, physical energy. You need to tame the wild forces.

Bathroom: To dream that you are in the bathroom, relates to your instinctual urges. You may be experiencing some burdens/feelings and need to "relieve yourself". Alternatively, it may symbolize purification and self-renewal. You need to cleanse yourself, both emotionally and psychologically.

Urination: To dream that you are urinating, symbolizes a cleansing and release of negative or repressed emotions. Depending on your dream context, urination is symbolic of having or lacking basic control of your life.

rubber: To see rubber in your dream, represents your adaptability and versatility to various situations.

Plague: To dream of a plague, indicates that you are facing a very broad problem, such as an intimate relationship or career situation.

Dream #3: I ALMOST FELL IN LOVE AND HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE WHO IS AROUND 9 YEARS OLD! SHE FREAKIN' TOLD ME, TOO! GAAAHHH!!!

sex: To dream about sex with someone other than your spouse or significant other, suggests dissatisfaction with the physical side of your relationship.

kiss: To dream of a kiss, denotes love, affection, tranquility, harmony, and contentment.

love: To dream of love of being in love, suggests intense feelings carried over from a waking relationship. It implies happiness and contentment with what you have and where you are in life.

Ejaculation: To dream that you are ejaculating, represents your need for release. You can no longer contain yourself, either emotionally or sexually.

Weird Freakin' Dreams!!! Part 1

Fri, 09 Oct 2009 00:31:59 GMT

Lastnight, I went to sleep and had three dreams within a four hour interval

Dream #1
Last I remember, I was eating out somebody in a hotel, before I knew it, I was on running and throwing rocks. I meant to throwit in the yard or in a basket hanging, but it went through as window. The window just happened to belong to a few gangsters, apparently. I then bumped into some police, who were going to arrest me and some gang member who were going to kill me, and at the end, I remember stabbing a policeman in the forehead. Thats' all I remember.

When I woke pu it, was approx. 8' o clock in the morning.

Dream #2
I remember we werre on a field trip. And suddenly, we hit a barn. Next thing I know, they were introducing someone Snow White looking character, who when shye comes near, is only an old lady in a Snow White costume riding a horse.

I went to the bathroom, and got into there, before the horase can mow me down. That thig was riding pretty fast. Anyway, I went to pee, and flush till I found what looks like a moving rubber mixture of a bird and a fish. It was freaky. But not as freaky as when Iand a few other guys left what was a public restroom, and found hundreds of those freaky things bouncing aroumnd the floor, as if it was part of a plague.

When I woke, it was probably 12 in the morning.

It was amazing how I wound up getting these crazy dreams. But seeing as how I felt kind of lazy today, I decided to go back to sleep, and wonder how weird can my next dream get.

The funny part is I don't know how any of these came to fruition at all. Anyway, here is the next dream that became.

Dream #3

I ALMOST FELL IN LOVE AND HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE WHO IS AROUND 9 YEARS OLD! SHE FREAKIN' TOLD ME, TOO! GAAAHHH!!! After wards, woke up at around 4.

I don't know whether it is what I watch or whatnot, but I seem to have gotten some crazy dreams these days. They say that a dream is a part of your subconscious. In the back of your mind you are thinking about these things. I have never once though about rubber bird/fish off spring, or frenchkissing a little girl!

But i Guess when it comes to dreams, weirder things can happen. There were times where I would believe that dreams are all about a vision of what is oging to happen the next day. After all, I once had a dream in high school, where me and a classmate was about to have sex. When I woke up, she had a huge crush on me. This kind of phenomenon happened to me twice in my life that I can remember. Now, my dreams are just like music videos or short indie films gone completely wrong.

How the heck? Has anyone else had this happen to them?

Right after, I'm going to try and translate this.

Playlists for bbrb22

Wed, 09 Sep 2009 01:46:40 GMT

I told Myra that in order to help her, I was planning to make her a playlist from YouTubes, or MP3s, if I couldn't find the song. And if YouTubes don't have it, then it's MP3s. Anyway, 2 playlists? One playlist is for her cope with the death of her father, and another is to cope for love and loss.

1. Death/Depression

2. Love and Loss

Death and Existential Musings

Fri, 28 Aug 2009 17:22:23 GMT

Tonight, I started thinking about about the picture my friend Myra painted to me about her father's death. Once you think of this on a broader level, I can see why she is grieving so hard.

Imagine you are living the best of your life, and all of a sudden, little by little, you start to move. Every ember of your soul and spark that you had since childhood deteriorates, till soon, you are considered fodder for the very nature we were all supposed to worship. Coughs, failing body parts, soon turned involuntarily to a mute, wishing you had a bit of a vocal ability to say how much you loved that person, and how proud you were. It's every bit of imagery handed and described by plenty of fear-riddled black metal or death metal band.

We all have this wish to be machine. A wish to be robots that rust and shut down, instead of something slow and cruel. To never go out in a blaze of glory with that neon flatline surfing the screen. I noticed that life is more of a lesson to do what you need to do. After all, death is so heavy, people try not to turn it into a joke. And personally, my way of dealing with people dying is to not take it too hard. To appreciate everything they contributed to life. And to also remember that we would possibly lack the strength to cry for ourselves, once we are next of game.

After all, death is on everybody's backs. The Grim Reaper lacks eyes, so he can't cry, lacks a heart so he can't feel your pain, lacks nothing to relate to mere mortals with an expiration date in their rolodex cards. Everything loved or taken for granted can be lost before you can say "I love you". That includes our own life. And all without a bit of a clue of whether any religious beliefs are truthful, too.

Well, I don't know why I am doing all this thinking about it. Musing over death isn't really going to do much if I am the next in line, right?